Personal

why am i asking why

September 23, 2010
1:02am
Iconoclast. I’m reading this book and trying to find an answer “Who I am”: why I’m doing what I’m doing and
why do I feel how I feel.
Sometimes I get stuck in my head, like right now. I don’t feel angry but I don’t feel happy either. I feel
stupid, there is something in my head says: “Your life is boring and you
are not good”. Where and how did this things came up?
All day today I could not focused. And I was angry that I’m wasting my time. I was
indecisive. However I realized that I just didn’t want to continue
research I’ve bee doing. I formatted most of it and email it. Done. I
felt free but still I could not concentrate on the reading of my books. I
just lost interest, my mind was with something else.
I did drugged my self to the gym and I ran 4m that I unusual for me. It is not that I
felt stronger it was because I was thinking that if I want to practice
with that tech team I need to run fast. I was thinking about 10k run but
I can do only 3 with difficulty. I expanded my perception on my ability
to run and now I think it is possible for me to run 10k. The same thing
happened with a swimming. I started from short distance to long one
without being over exouhsted (apparently I don't know how to spell that
word and it is exoushting to find correct spelling).
My stuckness. I read this book believing that I can find some answers on why do I feel
this way. Why do I want to make a lots of money, why do I’m afraid to
look stupid, to believe 100% that I can do anything? Why do I care, why
do I regret about I said or didn’t say. Why I can say that I’m excited
about my life and my future (this is how I think) but I feel stuck. I
don’t know what should I do in order to get there.
I don’t what to doubt, just want to leave. Where can I be stupid but being myself. I
like many smart people but I want to find something that is mine,
something that I love no matter what other people think.
During my walk home I past some billboards and big photos of young smiling people.
They all had nice white teeth. I thought that I would never have this
beautiful teeth and therefore all charisma. After that I start to think
why do we like white teeth? Showing teeth by animals would be sing of
danger of possible attack. So of course I start to think when I get a
lots of money I would spend it on making my teeth white, my legs
healthy, my cloths nicer. But when it is going to happened? Why do I
care about it, why do I need that? I want to relax my mind from
competition with myself in my head and just be. 1:33am